Our Surrogate Got Pregnant…By Her Husband

While this title may seem like click bait, it’s true, and it’s yet another delay - or pause, my new euphemism for a delay - we have encountered on our surrogacy journey.

I have already written three articles on delays we have experienced on our journey.

However, our most recent delays have revolved around breaking matches with our surrogate or gestational carrier (GC).

We experienced a prolonged delay in even starting the matching process with potential GCs because it was found out that embryo transfers (or cycles) were failing due to thin uterine linings caused from previous hormone-releasing IUD birth control. This meant that all potential GCs had to have their IUDs removed and then undergo uterine lining checks after three months before they could be eligible for matching.

Our first match had to be broken because her age was above the cutoff for newborn insurance for international intended parents (IPs) on a journey in the U.S.

Now, our second match is broken as our GC and her husband unexpectedly got pregnant.  

We just got the news from our coordinator yesterday, and we were a little shocked and a lot disappointed.  We also feel badly for our GC and her husband, as they had been clear that they were done building their own family.  While this may change their mind, it certainly was not part of their plan and so leaves them with a difficult decision as a family.  

I also can’t help but be a little jealous or even petty that our second GC is obviously fertile, and so we could have had a good chance of getting pregnant on our first transfer with her.  

My husband and I never expected this journey to be without challenges, but we didn’t expect there to be so many before we even tried to get pregnant.  There has been an emotional toll from opening up and building a relationship with each GC.  Not only do we Zoom and meet with them, but we also chat and message each other regularly for months while the final medical and legal clearance are taking place.

We want to build a relationship with our GC that will endure for our child.  We get really invested and try to build a solid relationship foundation from the beginning, but now I feel like we have tried to develop this relationship too early.  

Maybe it is better to hold back or to not get too attached prior to the pregnancy, but that doesn’t feel like us or how we want to be.  However, it’s hard not to develop a thicker skin from this process, as we have been hurt with each match break.  It has felt like a literal break up of a relationship.  

Although we want to give ourselves time to make our way through the stages of anger, frustration, sadness, and acceptance at the breakup with another GC, we also don’t want to lose more time.  We have been on this journey for years, and we really want to be fathers.  While this second broken match is hard, it does feel easier than the first one.  After all, we have done this before.  We also have the confidence that we can do this.  We have matched and formed relationships with GCs.  In some ways we are stronger because of this.

While the loss of embryos or a fetus would undoubtedly be more profound, I feel like if this does happen to us, we will be more prepared because of the challenges thus far.  Although, I hope that karma or some cosmic force that I do not understand makes it so we will have a seamless pregnancy and delivery, to compensate for the length and complexity of the beginning of our journey.

I constantly have to remind myself that

• No IVF and surrogacy journey is straightforward.

• Everyone has challenges going through this process.

My main take homes from this latest experience for other IPs are:

• Start your journey as soon as possible, as it will take much, much longer than you ever expected.

• Protect your heart and guard your emotions early on.  Don’t become guarded, but there are so many things that can go wrong that it is best to allow yourself the space and ability to process and deal with these challenges.

• Find support in your partner, friends, and family.  I know some people don’t share their surrogacy journeys at the beginning, but I can say that this would have been much harder if we didn’t have each other and people in our life who can listen to and be there for us as emotional support.

My husband and I have grown stronger as a couple through this, and I’m so fortunate to have his love and support.  We will get through this together and some day in the not too distant future, we will be able to call each other both husband and dad.